“Fine.”
Sometimes I wonder if that’s the response that Adam got from Cain
when he asked him throughout his life, “So how was your day, son?” I can
almost see in my mind Abraham, at over 100 years old, walking into the
tent, laying down his cane, and saying the same thing to Isaac, “So, my
boy, my great hope, my promise from God… How was your day?”
“Fine.”
It’s the tried and true answer that kids give when they don’t really
want to talk about how their day was; something to get their parents off
their back so they can go back to the Wii, or the coloring, or the
whatever. It’s also the answer that simultaneously infuriates and
saddens moms and dads who want to have real interaction with their
children that they haven’t seen sometimes for several hours.
I don’t like the answer. I’m not okay with the answer. There has to
be more to it than that. In the answer, I feel the waning influence over
my children; the reality that over time I will become less and less the
main influence in their lives is acutely apparent. We’ve got to push
passed the mere “fine” and into the details. But how do you do so with
patience and love? Here are a couple of hints that seem to be effective
(at least 10% of the time) with our kids who are now age 8, 5, and 2.
1. Show respect.
I know how I would feel if I were involved in something and somebody
suddenly demanded to have an in depth conversation about something
entirely different. It’s a way of showing our respect to our kids to
pick the right moment. Let them finish the game. Let them finish their
picture. Then make your move. The tendency, though, is that as the day
gets later and later, the time for conversation gets shorter and shorter
and pretty soon the opportunity is gone. That leads us to number 2:
2. Establish a regular time and place.
For us, this is the dinner table. Over time, and it doesn’t and
hasn’t happened over night, our kids know that we expect genuine
conversation over dinner. There’s no TV on; no books or phones or toys
allowed at the table. Just us. It’s sometimes a battle to pry open their
mouths and hearts, but the pattern has developed. But don’t just be
satisfied with asking, “How was your day?” Go the extra step in opening
up the communication…
3. Get creative.
“How was your day?” is a fine question; it’s just pretty bland. Try
to get a little creative. Often, we will play “Two Truths and a Lie” at
the table, where the kids have to share 2 truths and 1 lie about their
day. The rest of the family has to guess what the lie is. This is more
effective with the 8 year old than the 2 year old; but we still
celebrate when the 2 year old can articulate 3 things about his day.
Another way to get creative is to just spice up the question a little
bit:
“Tell me something unusual that happened today.”
“What was the most amazing thing that happened at kindergarten today?”
“Complete this sentence: My day would have been more exciting if…”
This last one is pretty fun; the last time we asked this question we
found out that 2nd grade would have been more exciting if a herd of
zebras had invaded the lunch room. Indeed it would. But that led us down
the road of discussing math, playground games, and other stuff.
4. Be specific.
Instead of the general question, ask about specific relationships.
Ask about tests. Ask about what you talked about the previous night. We
want to show our kids not only that we care, but that we actually
remember. But to do that, we have to listen, and then bring up what’s
been talked about before. Which is, in truth, easier said than done,
especially since I at least am already preoccupied with how my own day
went.
5. Have fun.
Sometimes the day really was just fine. That’s fine, even if I don’t
want it to be. But it’s during those “fine” times when you can branch
out and talk about upcoming family events, vacations, and other stuff.
In the end, though, the whole conversation is about reminding the
kids that their first outlet can and should be their parents. Just as
our first outlet is our Father, who always listens and cares.
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